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I left Southern California fifteen years ago, the day after my daughter's first birthday to go North, to Washington State. As a new mom I knew there had to be a way I could raise her without the anxiety-filled hustle, violence and abuse I had lived in. I had never been North; working all the time and having no extra money, I was not able to travel. But I knew one thing about the North, life was more affordable and they had trees there.
After three days and bad weather, I crossed the Columbia River, on the I-5 Freeway, where Oregon and Washington meet. Me, my baby, my precious dog Yogi, my cat Smurfy and my mom (there to help me settle in) had made it. It was another world for me; I was in awe of literally EVERYTHING I saw. The raw beauty was incredible. I remember seeing what I called, "Christmas Trees" right on the water! I was corrected by a gentleman who told me properly, "Those are called Douglas Firs!" My little family had arrived in heaven.
I left everything I had worked for behind to give my daughter a better life.
The 2008 Great Recession had taken hold and my job offer in Washington, which would have allowed me to take my baby to work and make a decent living, was rescinded the day after I signed the lease on my new apartment. I tried many ways, with little success, to find work with my daughter. Luckily though, I had some money from my remaining UCLA graduate school loan and was able to live very frugally over the next year.
Fast forward fifteen years and now I have four children: two teens, one tween and a ten year old who thinks she's twenty. I am married to a wonderful man, whom my children push me to uncomfortably share my vulnerabilities with; reminding me to live in the present.
Almost losing her, and having my children alive was all I cared about.
We have moved across the United States three times in search of an affordable life. Thinking we found our destination in Tennessee, our most affordable home burnt to the ground. This happened the week after we brought our middle daughter home from months in the hospital where she boldly fought, against all odds, to survive. So traumatic that I could not mention her illness for many years. We are thankful every single day for our childrens' health; what we lost with that fire on September 3, 2012 doesn't matter!
We have lived in and out of apartments, houses, hotels and campers; moving more times than I'd like to count. My husband has worked for FedEx for over thirty years now, so luckily, he can take a job almost anywhere in the country. Trying to get to a point where we are mortgage free so we can actually afford to get older and our children may finally have some sort of stability, we hoped our final move to the more affordable Southeast in 2020 would be our last. We used the pandemic money we received and decided we would leave the Pacific Northwest, again sadly, and buy at least an acre of land, learn to grow food, and try to build our own house. Mostly my husband! I come home with ideas and he does the work beautifully. The amazing people on YouTube, taught us for free, how to hand clear virgin land, and build a simple house.
The "Little Blue House" is almost done. It's been nearly three years and I have been surprised by illness. I am, "Living in a harsh environment that my body's sensitivities simply cannot handle," according to my allergist.
We are completely broke and have endured a lot with our patient and amazing children.
I am grateful every single day for the opportunity we have been given and for the support of my mother, especially after such a rough beginning together.
Life, and Murphy's Law has always had other plans, especially for me!
But this is okay, Murphy and I have an understanding: I know that he will be there, and he knows that I can hang...so he makes the second shoe to drop more manageable for me :-)
After all, I was trained for this...growing up in one of the most expensive and competitive places in the country. I was on my own by sixteen and pushed, at every step to not succumb to the reality around me of what seemed to be an impossibility to achieve a better life; while always, helping others along the way.
All forms of abuse and real financial insecurity engulfed much of my life; the PTSD and anxiety that hang on forever, even after seven years of therapy and counting, remind me that I've got this! I can't give up now. Like when I was a runner..."If I give up at the third mile, all of my previous work won't count." (Not necessarily true, but it's what pushes me.)
My agency & learning resilience...
So, here we are, faced with the same instability as most others around us and the word RESILIENT keeps coming up. During the beginning of my 'recovery' in 2017 from dealing with my past years of abuse, while raising four small children and homeschooling, I began to dig deep and learn all about how to live sustainably. Now, even though I lived my first 28 years in the hustle of urban life and walked side by side with most people trying to, "Keep up with the Joneses" (prequel to the Kardashians), I have never fit in!
My heart was always with the migrant farm workers around me, and the kids I grew up with in my Latino agricultural working community right outside of Los Angeles. I learned quickly that there was much more going on than the consumerism and plastic around me! Those families of the kids I grew up with taught me what love and family was supposed to feel like and more importantly, that showing kindness should always be my goal.
As an empath,
I love humans and animals and all of nature; feeling the pain of others from a young age. I have always tried to find solutions to other peoples' struggles, it was real for me! I created my first school on paper at nineteen. I was going to teach the migrant farm workers' children, giving their families the opportunities they deserved in order to thrive in our country.
I saw them rushing to pick produce in the fields before the sun came up and after the sun went down, at any time - every single day. Migrant camps are where they lived, or in little Colonias; parts of the city most other people didn't frequent (except of course for an 'elote o mango con chile y limon').
Mandatory bussing to La Colonia, in Oxnard, California (1989)
I was one of just three white kids in my third grade school and since I didn't have anyone to care where I was or what I was doing and my life was better if I was away, I got to spend all the time I could at my new friends' houses. The paleta was what I knew of ice cream (luckily) and if my friends got pepinos from the ice cream truck the driver would say, "Y un raspado para Nicolasa!" (I did not yet understand how delicious Lucas was on cucumbers!) Abuelitas would cook for us and parents would come home from working in the fields and say, "Hola mija! Como estas mi guerita?". A welcome I had never felt in my life.
After years of experiencing this beautiful culture, I chose to always follow that feeling of love and connection, and to create it myself.
The gifts of ongoing abuse are vigilance and ‘grit’. If you don't master those two things, you don't make it. And, if you don't push for a better life, you may not break the cycle. With the love I experienced from my county mandated bussing requirement: my life, my future and my childrens' lives were saved, and beautified. I saw people who worked harder, and had less than, anyone I had known, offering me, this middle class white girl, their last pan dulce or asada taquito. I knew by that young age that I was born with the simple privilege of being an American, something my friends’ parents literally risked their lives to be part of. The embrace from these families taking me in, the little lost girI, and the struggles I saw that community endure made it a certainty in my mind that I had a responsibility to use my voice, however I could, to help others.
I pushed myself through six years of community college, working three jobs and taking care of my nephew, in an effort to learn how to fight for others. I transferred to UCLA as a third year undergrad at twenty-four years old. Murphy consumed my first Fall quarter and I almost squandered my ability to continue on. I decided to work harder and faster and graduated early with a Bachelor's Degree in International Development Studies and Conflict Resolution, focusing on Latin American and Southeast Asia.
I went on for my Master's in Latin American Studies and Community Economic Development. With only six units left to complete, Murphy came along again and showed me that I had to take care of more important things first. I left my life in California with my daughter and my future family began soon after. It took me eight years to finally get my Master's Degree; completing a twenty-two hour Nahuatl to English translation of a Last Will and Testament written in the 1500's, while I was nursing my fourth child with two toddlers and a six year old running around.
I hung my degree over my bed in Tennessee, in the house that we had built after the fire, and I would look at it, to be proud of myself after long days and nights of dishes, laundry and raising babies.
I was accepted into a PhD program in Public History at Middle Tennessee State University in 2016 and I was so excited. It seemed like things were very complicated with my situation with the kids and my husband working sixty hours a week. But I was determined to make it work.
That year (you guessed it) Murphy brought some more 'love' to my life. Too much to discuss here...but let's just say by the end of that year I had to begin intense therapy to: save any sanity I had left, begin unpacking my painful past (recovery) and allow me to create the healthy environment my children deserve.
This is where I began to learn, late at night while cleaning, with sleeping babies in the house, using amazing YouTube creators as my classroom, that we needed to do something different. We needed to make drastic changes to improve the outcome for our childrens' futures.
Two moves across the country since 2018, some incredible experiences in the Pacific Northwest, the pandemic, chronic illness and trying to begin a small learning space and homestead has lead to new revelations for me. In all of our travels, while living, learning and teaching in five different states, one thing was very apparent, education and opportunity are key, and necessary, to address and revise in order for our young people to live healthier lives. We need to be teaching relevant topics with the changes that are fast approaching in technology, the environment and our socioeconomic challenges.
Let's be clear, I have been homeschooling for 16 years...
I was a public school teacher and grew up in a very violent, crowded, ridiculous excuse for a public school in the richest country in the world; and, that was in the late 90's! We have had problems with our $800 Billion dollar public school system for many years, it's not new and it is the reason I chose not to send my children into that system.
I toured a school every year (thinking that I should comply with mainstream practice instead of continuing to homeschool). The most recent "Blue Ribbon School" wherever we were living at the time, I visited with my children ... and ... nope, couldn't do it! I could never find anywhere good enough for my children that I could afford.
We need to acknowledge that this has been a festering problem for over thirty years, and see the actual causes for what they are in order to find a solution where every single child has a safe, healthy and happy place to learn and grow into a productive adult.
We see the affects of this collapse in our society and everywhere now; people are scared, uncertain and acting out and in constant 'fight mode'! People in power have found ways to capitalize on this all, as they would on anything chaotic occurring. Unfortunately, the most important people in our society (our children) are not being shown proper examples of leadership and are not being taught that we absolutely do have the means and the ability to solve our problems if we work together; but only if we work together!
I have learned that I have to create a space where my lovingly optimistic & compassionate soul belongs.
I have never 'fit in' anywhere. I am successful wherever I go, in whatever I try to do, but I absolutely never fit in. I've been told that when I come in, "I knock the socks off of everyone and rock the boat!" Perhaps...but always in a loving and caring way. It's not that I try to do that. I just see healthy solutions to problems and proceed to implement them. I guess that is too alternative for many people, especially institutions.
Hence my project (this website and learning space) that you are now part of :-) The virtual world has allowed for us to have the amazing ability to open a space and welcome a community from all over the world, from the comfort of our homes, no passport needed! My dream is coming true. Bringing together a group of people with the means (intellectually, financially, socially) to make a real difference for the young people out there.
This blog is intended to gather people and share our knowledge and skills in building a community that can lead others to create sustainability around their lives. This space will give us a purpose with healthy interactions and a learning space to implement the infrastructure necessary to weather our future challenges.
Altered Classroom ~ where we teach relevant skills to our young people
You are an essential part of this community. As noted on my site link above, my courses taught to teens will conclude with a well formed, implemented project to grow their own communities. This project will be presented to you, our blog members! Driving positive conversation, action, teaching and agency is the goal. Your personal knowledge, local experience, future plans and ideas will create a space of innovation and resilience for us to share with others in our lives. These students will gain confidence in presenting and leadership, and will feel that they have agency in these challenges we all are facing. I can't wait to see the creativity of, and learn from, the young people in this world.
Growing community sufficiency is the ultimate goal. Helping one another by using our abilities to support each other through these difficult times with beautiful, fulfilling progress will only lead to us learning resilience and teaching our success.
Positive comments on this post or joining my site below will make you part of our productive & healthy, life changing community.
Thank you so much for reading,
Ms. Nicole
YouTube ~ where everyone can learn and grow with us!
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